Friday, January 24, 2014

Until We Meet Again....

Hello all...I'm back...I have a heavy...heavy heart these days...as a very good friend of mine passed away...I hate this disease of drug addiction and alcoholism...it kills...

Someone told me that I should write about this and I didn't know if I even wanted to...I hurt so much over this death...it was almost as if I had lost a daughter of my own...This precious friend of mine was only 27 years young...and she was beautiful!!!  I loved her so much...I've known her since she was just a little girl...and that's how I still see her after all these years...

She had her own story to tell...so I won't tell it for her...it's not my place to do that...and I don't even know what it was really like for her at the very end...All I do know is that I loved her so very much and she was loved by many, many people in this world...

Some people say she felt all alone...that's what this damned disease will do to you...It will tell you all sorts of lies...and it can make you believe anything...I don't know why it has to be this way...I just absolutely hate it!!!!  My grief has made me very angry at everything in life right now...I'm not happy...I'm very sad...I'm trying to stay out of self pity because I already know that won't solve anything...But I do have to get through my own grieving process...and on my own...Yes...I have people to turn to and so many were at the funeral and have supported me through this whole thing...and most of all I still have God to turn to...and I'm trying to keep all that in the right perspective and order...GOD FIRST...THEN MAN...but I am so grateful to have both in my life...

I was allowed in to see my friend in her last days before she crossed over...I put off going up to see her for a few days because I knew in my heart of hearts that I would never see her alive again once I went to see her...I JUST KNEW...and I didn't want her to die...God...I didn't want her to die...

I sat with her while she slept...and it's so weird how you notice things at moments like that...I noticed that she had her television on to a cartoon channel...that was my Shonna Bear...yes...that was her...that is what I called her and she called me her Susie bear...Anyhoo...I just sat there and looked at her monitors...watching her breathe...her breathing was so labored...and my heart just sank...She was so pale...and when I touched her head it was so hot...She had a fever...

I sat for a while just listening to her moan with every breath she took...I looked at how someone had braided her hair for her...I noticed how beautiful she was even as sick as she was...I noticed everything...I felt like I had to take it all in as it was going to be the very last time I was going to be around her...I smelled the hospital room...I noticed her hands...her skin was always so pretty...so flawless...nothing seemed to escape me...

She stirred and I sat forward in my chair...her blood pressure cuff started going off and it was annoying her and woke her up...She immediately started complaining about it and tried to take it off...I stepped up to her bed and told her to leave it on...and when she saw me she started to call out to me through her oxygen mask...Then she tried to take that off...She called to me..."Susie Bear! Please help me!!!"  I tried to get her to calm down and finally did...I rubbed her forehead...like I would my own child's...I told her that she had to concentrate on getting better and to heal...

After she calmed down...we started to talk just a little bit...She would say her usual funny things...things that tugged at my heart strings...She demanded donuts...she asked how her teeth looked because the nurse had come in to say they were going to brush her teeth in a bit...She wanted a drink of water...She knew where she was and what was going on around her...All these things gave me false hope...I thought she was going to be ok...My heart began to soar...I hoped that she would really heal and get the help that she so desperately needed...

She had a bout of pain in her legs and had to be medicated...and after that she went right to sleep...and she looked at peace...and I wanted to sit with her until she was all better...but there was nothing else for me to do...I was about to leave and she woke up and told me that she had really F#&$^#D up this time-hadn't she...and I told her no...I told her that she was right where she needed to be and to just get better...to heal...and I told her that I loved her..and she drifted back off to sleep...

I left the hospital after that...and it was really cold outside...I barely felt anything on my way home...All I could do was see her lying in that hospital bed...really hoping she would get better and knowing that she just wasn't going to...

I didn't sleep well that night or the next nights that followed...and on my way home from work a few more nights later...I got the call...My Shonna Bear had passed away...and she didn't die a pretty death...I raced to the hospital...When I got there they were cleaning her up...and when I went into her room for the last time...the hospital pastor was praying over her with her dad and step mom present and two other friends of hers...

I felt nothing but dread and sadness for everyone...I looked at my Shonna Bear and she was so so pale...and quiet...the monitors were quiet now too...There were tears...and quiet talk...There was life and death in the room...Again...I noticed every single little thing about her...Her hair was different that night...She was covered up to her chest with her sheet and blankets...I thought about how she told me she was so cold the other night when she was still alive and how I had put an extra blanket on her...I touched her forehead and it was cold...so cold...

This is so hard to write...but I have to...and it may not sound very good or appealing as a post to write...but you know what...I REALLY DON'T CARE!!!! If this gets the attention of someone out there in this world that is using drugs or alcohol and gets them to get the help they need to turn their lives around then so be it!!!  This is a reality...for me...for her family and friends...this hurts...it sucks and I hate it!!! It think...what a senseless death...I think...why?  Well... I know why!!! I KNOW WHY!!! I couldn't stop this...I COULD NOT STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING!!!  AND IT HURTS SO MUCH!!! MY LITTLE FRIEND IS DEAD! DEAD....dead...

None of us will ever see her smile again...her little imp smile...We won't hear her laughter...We won't see her beauty...Her children have lost their mother...The love of her life has to live with his hurt heart...moms...dads...grandparents...sibling...all have crushed hearts...friends are devastated...Her funeral was simple yet crowded...There were so many tears...and there were so many good things that happened due to her death...She brought people back together...even with me...she brought me and a friend of mine back together after about 4-5 years of not speaking or seeing one another...God was at work through her death...and it was so plain to see...

I'm at the library writing this...and on the walls there are painted pictures of the four seasons...and I think of how she will never again wear a cute little tank top in the Summer or shorts or flip flops...I'll never see her nose...red from the cold in the winter...Never see her running here and there in the Spring or Fall...Her time on this earth is gone...I guess God's purpose for her here on earth was finished but when I see how much God was working through her in that funeral home...I think not...I think...no...she's not really gone...She's still here...sending out love...and helping God work His wondrous works....

I do not know...I do not know what we upon this earth will do without our Shonna Bear amongst us...I shall miss her...I already do...I didn't sleep for many nights after she died...I was numb and still am...but each day seems a little better...and then I will see something that will remind me of her and the tears start to fall again...

I won't be able to sit and talk with her in an AA hall again...I won't be able to talk with her on Facebook anymore...or see her around the drum againl...She has gone home...and I believe she is in Heaven...and I believe that she is truly an angel of all angels now...and I am privileged to have known her...and had her in my life for as long as I did...

I was on my way back up to the hospital to give her my 27 year sobriety coin the night that she died...I was going to give it to her for hope when I was there the few nights before...but I forgot...so at the funeral I gave it to her dad...and he reminded me that she was only 27 years old...27...she was about 9 years old when I first laid eyes on her...and she stole my heart completely then...and I will cherish all the moments that I had with her...seeing her raised up from a child...knowing her heartaches in life...knowing her joys...just knowing her...I thank God for that...just knowing her...

SO...the challenge behind all this is...if you are using and having a hard time with your addiction...not that there is ever an easy time of it...please do something about it...please don't die out there...because I don't believe that anyone EVER has to die from this addiction just so that I can live...EVEN though they do...Because you will leave behind the people that love and care about you...their hearts will be broken...their lives shattered...I don't ever want to have to see a father blame himself for not doing enough...I don't ever want to have to touch a friend of mine in death again...I don't want anyone out there to have to go through what I just did...but some will...quite a few will...Because since my Shonna Bears death...I have lost 5 others...in just a two week period...some have died with dignity and others took their own lives from this horrible disease...God is there...God is all over this page...and He cares...and He can deliver you from the gates of hell...and rocket you into a dimension of life you never knew possible...

And please remember this...I said this up at the podeum when we were saying our memorials...I knew my Shonna Bear walked in a lot of worlds...She walked in the drum circle world...she walked in the recovery world and she so rocked it when she did!!! She walked the face of this earth...and now she walks the spiritual world...and this is a good thing...but too often...we as friends or family...well...when it comes to our children...we tend to focus on the demons they have...and we forget that they have victories...AND THEY DO HAVE THIER VICTORIES!!!! It's so important to remember that...we all have our moments...but there is a bit of good in us and a bit of bad...and for all the addicted people out there...we are truly sick individuals...were not unique...but we are sick...not bad people...no not at alll...and we die of our diseases...we do die...So..until next time...please...be good to yourselves...to others...and get the help you need...I believe in you...peace to you all...and thank you for stopping by...REST IN PEACE SHONNA...April 23, 1987 LIVED AND DIED January 7, 2014...I will always love you and never forget you~!

Thursday, December 5, 2013

God Please Put Something On My Heart To Write About....

Hello good peeps out there in cyber land!!! I am in a mood today...and at first I didn't have a clue as to what I was going to write about...but it has come to me in the midst of job searching today...so here it is...JOB SEARCHING JUST SUCKS!!! LOL!!!  (Well...it does... : ) )  So...I was thinking about all the jobs that I have searched for in the past and all the WORK that it takes to just land one job...and it is WORK!!! And yes...my complaining has started...

For years I had people say, "There are all kinds of jobs out there...just go out and get one!!!!"  Yeah...ok...well...ALMOST ALL those people are looking for jobs and cannot find one either...it is not easy in today's economy or in the past...it is not easy to land a job these days...and I've probably posted about this before but it must be time to vent on it all over again...and I refuse to tell people whats been said to me...they will find out in time that there is not always a job out there for everyone just when they want, need or expect it...

It is frustrating when you have to fill out apps online anymore....I have the worst luck with them....if I have to go to the library to do it online...its almost %100 guarantee that I'm going to lose all my work about half way through...and I know that I'm not the only one that has to endure this...it just is not a good thing...and to me...it seems like EPIC FAIL!!!!  And, why doesn't anyone take measures to fix the problem????  There has to be an easier way...and employers don't care until they are not employers anymore and have to get out there and start applying themselves....then they get to go through the same process as we peons do...

I still like and prefer the paper method than any other way...it just works better...and I wish that all places would go back to it...I think about how if I was an employer I would not have my prospective employees fill out an app online because for one thing you cannot see the person that is filling it out...and I would like to see what is coming in...you CAN tell alot about someones appearance when it comes to the hiring process...are they sloppy?  What does their mentality concerning picking up an app tell you?  Do they seem like go getters or sloths?  I don't know...I guess its just because I'm going through the dreaded job searching process AGAIN...and I think its gotten worse out there...I just don't get it...

One would think that employers would treat their prospective employees AND ESPECIALLY employees better than what they do...most seem to have the attitude of if you don't like the job they will fire you and hire someone else by the end of the day...poor treatment of others does not make for good positive team work!!!  But this is what most of us endure on a daily basis...and I feel for everyone that has the kinds of bosses I've had in the past...and if any of them are reading this...well...maybe its time to start changing things...makes perfect sense to me...happy employees...happy workplace equals happy customers...which usually means bigger profits!!!!  Yep...perfect sense...

SO...there ya have it...I had to pray today before I started searching...and got two bites on jobs that weren't on the up and up...meaning wanting someone to commit fraud...nope...no thanks...said it a million times before...won't lose my license due to your lack of running your business the wrong waygeez....I have decided I will not let this process get me down again...In fact the last person I talked to on the phone told me that I sounded up beat and positive...like someone they were looking to hire...yeah...for peanuts while they live in their 8 bedroom home...nope...I work HARD for my money...and I just will not be taken advantage of anymore...I just refuse!!!
!!!  So...at least 3 times today I have been frustrated to the point of wanting to pull my hair out...people wanting to you hire you for major jobs and pay you nickles and dimes...

Where is the right job for me God??????  I'm asking for it...hoping He leads me to it...and soon,,,as I'm down to my last nickles and dimes...but no fear...the job will appear...and I just refuse anymore to SETTLE for anything...just because I need the money....I have done that way too many times...no more...I'm worth more than wasted time and effort on a job that never lasts anyway...I'll wait...maybe not for the perfect job...but hopefully one that will be decent and fair...I believe in hope...and miracles...because in this day and age...that's pretty much what it takes to land a decent and fair job...a miracle...

I guess the challenge of the day behind this is...to TRY to stay positive and not get frustrated in the job searching process...and to ask God for the right job...and I have done this numerous times before...but I have not waited...I have not been in the position to wait before as I always had bills to be paid...but this time I'm doing something different...I'm waiting...not settling and hoping and praying that God brings the right job to me...I may be sitting curbside and hoofing it on down the street...but I won't just take any old job anymore just to pay my bills...I'll get behind...but I'm trusting God...whew!!! Do I feel better now?  Yeah...I think I do...I'm ready to get off here and make some more calls and fill out yet another app online...Until next time...I hope those seeking jobs keep the faith and find what it is they need to be doing...what God wants them to do...and that their jobs carry them through...I wish you all peace...love and kindness and if no one has told you yet today that they love you...well I love you and believe in you!!!  See ya soon! :)

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

This Next 24 Hours Ahead...

Good day to all you peeps out there!!! Well...I have settled in to Wichita...and I am SOOO GRATEFUL TO  BE HERE AMONGST ALL YOU GOOD PEEPS!!!

I have decided to start writing again on here on as regular a basis as I can...in between job searching and other life's stuff!!!  So...I was thinking about what I was going to post today and decided to take the idea I got from my daily inspirational texts I send out to certain people in my life...

Today's message that went out said something like....Try not to complain just for this next 24 hours ahead and then do that everyday and see just how much your life changes...Sooooo...I decided to take that challenge on and yes...I had to pray for Gods help in doing just that!!!! 

It also made me realize that this was not going to be an easy feat...nope....not for this woman...and I thought I was doing pretty good until I realized just as I was writing this very sentence that I had complained to a friend about how slow the Internet connection was at this library we are in...We had been job searching and I also complained about some of the jobs she suggested...SOOOOO....FAIL!!!!!  I do so hope that you all out there that take this challenge of the day do MUCH better at it than I have so far....but being in the program...I believe I can start my day over at any given time...and I choose to do that and begin this challenge again!!!

It makes me think about complaining a little bit more indepth..and I do believe that complaining is a process just like everything else...and I think it is a learned behavior that can be unlearned...at least in my opinion...because somehow through my life it has become easier to complain than not to...in fact if I continue on this healthy quest...it will be hard to change this habit...and I'm probably not alone in this...I have much to do in front of me...it will force me to look at things differently and to stay more positive and in the moment...which is NEVER A BAD THING!!! LOL!!!

So...yes...my challenge to you today is to join me in stopping the process of complaining...that means that we have to stop resenting whatever makes us angry to commit that #1 OFFENDER...RESENTMENTS LEAD ME TO COMPLAINING!!!!  AND NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ME OR ANYONE ELSE COMPLAIN!!! TRUST ME!!! LOL!!!  It takes something to make me mad...then a resentment forms...and all along the way...I am complaining...and usually blaming...maybe not blaming so much today as in the past because I do have to look at my part in all things today...because my part is definitely there somewhere amongst the ashes!!!

I guess I have much to think about today...yes...I do...and this is your challenge of the day....to stop complaining just for this 24 hour period if you can...and hopefully do it again tomorrow...yes...I am going to work on this...because I'm also a firm believer that all things important are put in my path for a definite reason...and I stumbled over this one today...Gods in this equation...as He is in all of them in my life...whether I see Him there or not...and for this I am grateful!!!  It is good to be back on here...I have missed writing and been asked to do so again by so many people out there....I do want to thank those of you who continue to look on here every single day to see if I have written...that means alot to me!!!  So...until next time...may you find peace, health and prosperity...May you find a relationship with God or a higher power...be kind and be helpful...give out free smiles today!!! And if no one has told you yet today that they love you...well...I love you...whether I know you personally or not...you matter!!! Thank you! :)

Friday, November 15, 2013

MOVING!!!!!

Hello All!!! Long time no hear from me huh!????  Well...I have missed writing on here...but I have been so busy still working on my book...had some delays and it is on hold once again...So...I'm hoping to have it out at some point...maybe at the end of this coming year...who knows...I just have to take it all a day at a time...

In the meantime...here I am...I have had many request to get back on here and write...so here I am...and just in time to tell you that I am in store for another move...back to where my real family and friends are...be they in recovery or just old co-workers...I have no real blood family there...but it doesn't take blood to be considered a part of my family...

My first thing on my agenda is to get two biopsies done...on my face...so please all you praying people out there...It wouldn't hurt to have some prayers sent up for me...It will be what it is supposed to be I guess...

I am so looking forward to seeing my very best of friends...I have missed them all so much...And I got to go down twice this summer to see them...and meet tons of new people...I went down in June for a quick and much needed get away...and then I went down in August hoping to have moved down there by now but my car decided to give me an extended stay of two months instead of the four days I had originally planned...

I think that God KNEW I needed a break before I broke down...I have had lots of anxiety in this past year and do not feel like I am the same person I used to be...I have felt virtually friendless up here where I live and I feel like I have no good recovery up here to depend on either...I do not say that lightly either...and I must say if it offends anyone in this town...I really am beyond the point of caring...I have never been treated so poorly and from a recovery group...AND PLEASE do not begin to say that you get out of it what you put in to it...THAT IS NOT TRUE HERE!!!  People have to want recovery and there has to be some around to pass it on...a one woman or man show is not going to do it...I have been put down and hated for being a part of real recovery...I do not fellowship around and call it recovery...that is not it...if people don't want what I have then so be it...but I see and hear how if my kind of recovery is not what these people want then they can keep their so called recovery and I'll gladly keep mine...Because I do believe in sponsorship...getting into the books and literature...working and living the steps...I believe in every part of the 12 step program that I have been in for the last 26 years...26 years of sobriety...and these people that say they want no part of what I have...well...lets just put it this way...how many of them are chronic relapse-rs  or have any sobriety behind them...practically all of them...NOT saying quantity matters...sure its quality...but I must be doing something right...

Ok...anyhoo...I had to get that off my chest...I hear complaints on the 12 step program I have been a part of for 26 years...and I say it is not the program that has changed but the people...I hear complaints of how clickish it has gotten and I agree...not because I'm not a part of a click...I go because it is my lifeline...not a popularity contest....but if you live the program the way its intended to be worked and lived...it will radiate forth from you to others and they will be attracted to you...I have found this true in every single group I'm a part of in and out of the rooms except for here...

Saddens me too...this was my original home group...this is where I drank and sobered up...and it is a hall now that is considered a joke...and that is awful to me...it is an insult to me...but I have to let it all go and move on...to where people want real recovery and live it...I have to let these people be at the level of recovery that they are at...but it is no recovery at all...and they just don't get it...and somedays I see it as no fault of their own really...if they've never really had recovery introduced to them...then they do not know any better...but some of them have and they have chosen the easier softer way...and they will reap the benefits of that...NIL!!!

So...yes...it is time for me to move on...and I have been told that I have helped a few people here...the few that will admit it...and for that I am glad...I am not to be just content with my sobriety...I sobered up for MORE...still MORE of the feel good...and that is not to say that I am not unrealistically  happy every second of the day...I'm still human...but I won't just settle for content...I sobered up to be really really happy...No geographical cures for me...I believe in taking care of my body, mind and spirit...and I cannot continue to do that here where I currently live...I do believe that God is moving me...I have prayed long and hard over this move...and I have the willingness to stay here and be miserable in this town and continue to do God's work if that is what He asks of me...and yes...I said miserable...because I would be...I am not happy here...I am alone and miserable...I have no recovery to lean upon here and I feel like my life is on hold here...So...yes...I will move on...

It was like night and day when I was down in Wichita for those two months soaking up the love and recovery that was so freely given to me...it was good to hear in a meeting that many people liked what I had to share...it was good to give and recieve hugs...it was just good to and for me all the way around....So...I'm counting down the days here that I have left...and yes...I will miss my girls and grandkiddos tremendously...but to think of ever coming back to this town...no thanks!!!

Judge me if you will for judging what I have been shown here...I do not care...it is what it is and getting my feeling out has always aided me in my recovery...I am doing good to be NICE saying just what I have said...but I speak the truth...and invite anyone to come judge for yourself what I have had to endure for the last almost four years up here...I am not the only one going through this either...there are others that are healthy that have been run out of the halls up here...and that is a sad, sad thing...

I will end with this...God is good...and He has a plan for me...and I believe it to be elsewhere...time will tell...and one of my pastors always says...."Until the Spirit is ready to move you...you will go no where...so in the meantime...give thanks and praise Him for where you are at!"  Some days I have been able to do this...others not so much...but the Spirit is moving me...and I am gladly packed and ready to leave...

The challenge in all this...lol...try to accept those that are just where they are at in their recovery...and if they really have none...then pity them all...and God bless them...at least I can walk away saying that much...God bless them all...and I know that His blessing are on me...they always have been...I'm not perfect...nor claim to be...but I do believe in that saying of..."You never know just how much you work and live the steps...until you are around those that don't!"....just saying...Until next time...take care and yes...this will go on a fourth step...be good to one another and go where the Spirit moves you...ready or not...and I hope to see you again sometime real soon! : )

Monday, April 22, 2013

CELEBRATE LIFE!

And so there it is...another year of life...come and on to the next one...I didn't post on my birthday which was on the 20th of this month...I was too busy out celebrating life!!! YES!!! LIFE!!! I have heard that saying..."Celebrate Life!" for the past week or so and when I hear things more than once a day...week or month...I pay heed to them...and so...celebrating life is just what I did on my birthday!!!!

It doesn't take much for me to celebrate birthdays or any holidays as you should well know by now if you have read my past posts!!! I love any kind of celebration...and being sober through them all these days makes them even more awesome!!! And...since I have celebrated all holidays sober for the past 26 years...that's a lot of great memories!!!!

I don't even know when it was that I first heard "Celebrate Life"...but it was in the week of my birthday...and I heard it and kept hearing it so I thought I had best adhere to it!!! With my insomnia...it is hard for me to enjoy many of my days because I am so blasted tired...and even on my birthday...I woke up tired having not had much sleep the night before...BUT I was determined to make a conscious choice of making my birthday a great one and with the help of God...having asked Him for the strength to get through the day and with the love and fun of family and friends around me...I had a wonderful day!!!

I got to spend time with my oldest daughter and my grand kiddos...they took me out to eat at a Mexican Restaurant and we had good food and my grand kiddos wanted me to wear the birthday sombrero so I did...and that was great fun...but I was kind of glad that the restaurant had cleared out by the time they brought that sombrero over...smiling at this...and that hat was heavy!!!  So...of course we all took pictures of me with the hat on...and I was told by the waitstaff that I had to wear that sombrero until I left the restaurant...which I did...

It was at that lunch that my daughter and my grand kiddos gave me my birthday present in 3 different bright colorful bags...Each one had a jewelry box inside of them...One big one and two little boxes...I opened each one to find a charm bracelet and 3 charms...one little boy charm for my grandson...one little girl charm for my granddaughter...and the bracelet itself had a charm on it that said..."Celebrate Life...and when you turned it over...it read..."one moment at a time..."  And, of course I IMMEDIATELY fell in love with it and I have worn it everyday since...See...the silent message was so loud I could hardly stand it...there its was again...and now I have something material to look at each and every day to remind me of this!!!! How awesome is that!!! And...my daughter knew nothing of where I was at with the celebrate life thing...

That birthday was awesome...It was filled with lots of love and fun...it was spent with family and friends who are good enough to be called family and I hit an AA meeting that evening as well...in fact I led it...and life...well..it was just good!!! I even talked about celebrating life at that AA meeting...and what it meant to me today...and what it means is to not take one second for granted...and to be more than just content or reasonably happy...I want to be ecstatically happy in celebrating life and I know that is a CHOICE in and of itself...I make that choice...me and only me...or I can choose to make it a bad day...but why?  Why...when I can have a great day ahead of me...NO...I am not insane to think that I am going to have all good days in my life...but I do know that it is my attitude behind the negative things that happen in my life that can really make those days seem a lot worse than what they really are...and if I can just remember to stay on the good side of things...then life is worth celebrating!!!!  That's not always easy to do...I still have to have help...from God...from others to stay in a more spiritual mode...which in turn keeps me wanting to celebrate life...

So...yes...that day...I stayed in today...and I did celebrate the life that was given to me for that 24 hour time frame...I enjoyed my day...tired...but happy...I went home with a feeling of being loved and more important...of being grateful for the gift of being able to love others...and I didn't want to take my bracelet off for the night...but I did...and I know that each and every time I see that bracelet and read "Celebrate Life" on the charm...and see the charms for my grand kiddos on there...I will always look back on that day as a day that I did just that...I celebrated life...like I am really supposed to ALL of the time...but I don't...but somehow...I made an inner commitment to try to do more of that each and every day...and that is by my choice...and I wonder as I sit here and type all this out...just why...did it take me so long to get to this point in my life of wanting to celebrate life...I guess I will not question that any further...I will just leave it at...the day...the moment arrived...and I am good with that...

The challenge behind all of this...well...you should already know...CELEBRATE LIFE!!!! You have been given a gift...of life...and you and I make up what quality of life we shall live...by our attitudes behind what God gives us on a daily basis...so please just remember...on your good days...celebrate life...and on your not so good days...ask for God to bring you through the clouds and let the sunny days shine forth again with a good attitude...I like this new place I am in...and I care not that it took me to see it on my 54th birthday of life...it is what it is....and I am grateful!!!! I thank all of you people out there that helped make my birthday just a little bit more special...for the love...the fun...the conversation...the phone calls wishing me "Happy Birthday!"...the fb messages wishing me the same...the awesome gifts...for all of it...and to you God...for giving me another year of life...and each day since...to really celebrate life...

Thank you so much for stopping in...and I will say it again...for all of you that CONTINUE to stop in to see if I have posted for the day...thanks bunches!!!! It got too easy to get out of the habit of writing daily on here when I was busy with my book~which is still on hold
...and I'd like to say that I am too busy to write...but there are days when I could write and I get lazy and just don't...and that is my loss...but I do still love you all and I believe in you...and if you haven't found a God of your own understanding...I pray that you will someday soon...life just goes better with God in it..thank you thank you all and remember to celebrate life!!! : )  (And just look at us in that picture...me and my granddaughter...with my grandson taking our picture!!!  SOOO FUNNY!!! : )

Sunday, April 7, 2013

In the Quiet of the Night...

Hi...well...here I am...up late again...insomnia sucks...yes it does...I just finished watching a movie...and it moved me to tears...not many movies can do that to me...and suddenly I heard, yes heard how quiet the night is...

We had our first real Spring thunderstorm this evening while it was still light outside...and it was wonderful...I love thunderstorms...I love watching them build up and then hit...so beautiful!!!!  And, so it was today...this whole day has left me feeling something else that I normally don't feel and that is that is was a near PERFECT day!!!!

I got to spend the day with both of my grand kiddos from my oldest daughter...I thought that I was only going to have my granddaughter but my grandson surprised me at the last minute before they came over and asked if he too could come to grandma's house...and of course the answer was yes!!!!

It's so funny how just a year can make such a difference in a child's personality..They go from being little kids to little gentlemen and ladies...and they are so funny!!! I just love to listen to my grand kiddos interact with one another and with me...They really are smart ones...very intelligent...and I'm not just saying that because I'm their grandma either...what 4 year old knows that it takes hot air for a hot air balloon to lift up into the air...and that an opossum spend alot of time in trees...hanging by their tails...well...this is some of the things that my granddaughter is aware of...

So...I have them both today...and we head for the park across the street from where I live the very  first thing after their mom drops them off...and I watch them play nicely together...we had the grand dog too...and he was sitting by me on a park bench...the wind was blowing but it was nice and warm out...It was shorts weather...the first week of April and I was glad!!!  We stayed at the park until my grandson told me that he was hungry...So...off we went to fix beanie weenies...root beer and vanilla pudding!!! Yummy!!!  They ate it all down right away and then we went to the library...We all spent a little time on the computer and then left to go to the park at the end of town and we took a long walk...Those kids should sleep very sound tonight!!!!

It was while we were walking that I noticed that the thunderheads were building up...and pretty fast,,,but I knew that we would make it back to the car before it started raining...and we did...just in time...We walked by the buffalo pens and they harvested buffalo hair with me...and they had a great time seeing who could get the most...And when we finally made our way back to the car I had a piece of gravel in between my flip flop and my barefoot and when I took off my flip flop I saw how dirty my feet were and said so...and my granddaughter also told me how dirty they were and that I needed to take many hot baths, good baths tonight!!!!!!  Oh the things that kids say!!!!

We were all tired and hungry when we got to the car and my grandson told me once again that he was hungry so I scrounged up some money to go get hamburgers,,,and by that time it was almost time for their mom to get off work and to pick them up...

We decided to wait at her car at the mall which is also right by my house...and it started to sprinkle a bit...We all had our car windows down and when it started raining we all scrambled to roll them up...but not before I heard my granddaughter say that the rain felt so nice and cool on her and smelled good too!  I was so grateful for her awareness of her surroundings today...so grateful...

While we were waiting for my daughter to get off work...we were all talking and laughing and the grand dog had gotten some rain drops on him and it had started smelling the car up like wet dog...but that was ok...It was as if their were no worries in the whole wide world for all of us...The dog laid in my lap and went right to sleep...my grandson was videoing his finger...of all things and making a show of it...and my granddaughter was talking on and on about who really knows what in the backseat...she has a way of entertaining herself!!!! 

I sat there and listened...and smiled...and it warmed my heart...and I saw the rain...and smelled it too...and it smelled so new and fresh...I could smell the wet pavement...and heard the hail on the windshield...I thought back on how God graced me with each second of this day...and it was more than wonderful!!!  It was just awesome!!!!!

When my daughter came to the car to get them I was a little saddened...I didn't want the day to end...and had it not been Sunday night...and a school day tomorrow...I probably would have asked if they could spend the night at my house...

But...life just goes on...and it was time for them to go home...And, after they left...I just sat in my car...and watched as the sun came back out...and I saw the few sprinkles of rain that were left coming down and how they danced in the puddles in the mall parking lot...and then I remembered I had left my house windows open and started my car and went on home...

When I got home...I ate late and watched this movie...and it hit me all over again...the parts of my day that really meant the very most...seeing my grand kiddos happy...with smiling faces and having fun with their grandma...There is just nothing like it...and suddenly, I felt like I wanted to play the piano again...It has been so long...and sometimes I used to play it in the dark at home...in the still of the night...when no one else was awake...and I could swear that God was right there on that old piano bench with me...just listening...and putting each note by ear inside of me...Yes...I longed for that...for those nights again...to play again...and I could hear my daddy's voice telling me somewhere far away..."Someday you will play beside Liberace..." 

The challenge behind all of this...Well...just spend time with your loved ones...on a beautiful Spring day...go get your grand kiddos or your kids or loved ones...and take them to the park...and be silly and walk...and take pictures of your self doing silly things...and just be together in the love and grace that God has given to you...it is a true gift!!!!  I thank you for stopping by today..and I am sorry I haven't been writing again...I have been very busy with work and had some health issues and tired most of the time...due to insomnia...but this day and this night can be yours too...if you make it yours...I'm so glad I made it mine and my grand kids too this day...and I hope beyond all hope that they will remember this day...so thank you...I believe in your...and may God bless you and yours forever and ever...

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Taking Down the Christmas Tree...

Well...hello to you again!!! I thought that I would be back sooner than this...but I have been busy with work and life...and I have had some anxiety creep into my life due to health issues...and I must say...I am not liking it one bit!!! I am not liking growing older...even though one must...it really does suck to me!!!!

But, enough of that...today I shall talk about taking down my Christmas tree...I took it down the other day..and yes...I realize that it is almost mid March already...but I always leave it up at least until after January or till Valentines Day...but this year with all that I have had going on with health issues...I let it stay up a bit longer than usual...It didn't bother me a bit..I probably would have left it up a lot longer but some of the ornaments were starting to get a bit dusty because I burn alot of candles and incense and they tend to get smoke residue on them fast!!!

So...anyhoo...I had a friend over for supper the other night and when we got done eating, we were talking and I started taking the tinsel off my tree...My friend started helping me and before I knew it I was taking the ornaments off and cleaning them as I went...Then the tree came apart...and I got it in the box and was glad to have that done...

However...when I was taking the ornaments off the tree, I started telling my friend about the story behind some of my most favorite ornaments...thinking nothing of it...Later that night I received a text thanking me again for supper and for sharing my story of my Christmas tree ornaments and how I should maybe write about them...so that is what I am doing...in a sense...

I can't really describe them and tell the story, but I will tell you that I started a tradition a long time ago where I was buying ornaments for my daughters and myself to put on our tree every year when the girls were little...that way I figured if I bought them an ornament every year they were living at home, by the time they left home they would have enough ornaments to put on their own Christmas trees, or at least have a good head start on it!!!!  And, I do the same thing to this day...but now I have stated them for my grandkids every year...

I told my friend that lots of my most favorite ornaments seemed to have gotten misplaced in my last move, but I still shared with him the ones that I really liked on  my tree...there was the ornament that was there to remind me of my daughters and grandkids....toy trains and angels...there were the ones that reminded me of my childhood...the old fashion glass balls...the ones that when you get up close to them they make your face all distorted looking...then there were the fun ones...the Ronald McDonald one from the 80's..and my red glass one with the cardinal on it...the one that spelled out HOPE...and just so many other ones...wooden ones...glass ones...lace ones...yep...all there...looking so pretty...and my friend was right...it was a story book tree...a history tree...when I think of it now...it is rather interesting...to look back at how old some of those ornaments are and how new some are and how they all tell a story of a part of my life...and how something like just a Christmas tree ornament can make such a difference in ones life...

SO...the tree is down...and the ornaments are put away...and it wasn't down for 15 minutes and I was already missing it...I guess I'm just a little different than alot of folks as I don't look at it as work putting it up or taking it down...because when I put it up...I think back to the days as a kid when my family all gathered around to put ours up...and how through the years it seemed that some of my family members fell away from participating in it...but I never did...I just loved it...but I hated that we had a real tree all the time and taking care of it...so...it really is a wonder that I do love the trees today...except  mine is artificial and not real...I do have to admit that I miss the real ones...they used to smell so good...and I think maybe this year I shall buy a real tree and put it up...Yes...I think so...I just hope that they smell better than the ones I smelled while out and about this past Christmas season...because I went up to a few trees that were real and for sale and none of them seemed to have any smell at all...I don't know what all that was about but I sure don't want to buy a tree that doesn't smell my house up like Christmas...that was the very best part of having a real tree...It seemed like the birth of my dear Savior was more real when our real tree was up...and no...the tree had nothing to do with His birth...but it was natural...something that God made and put on this earth...that tree...like God...changed the whole attitude about our house and hearts...and I'm proud to say not just at Christmas time...we had a Christian spirit that lived within our four walls when I was growing up...I wasn't that fond of it then...but I'm so glad for it now...

So...there you have it...talk of Christmas trees, ornaments and things past and present...all good stuff..some of the very best stuff in life...because its about a spirit of love...and faith...and when its all brought together...it should make lasting memories...memories that I do have...and greatly appreciate today...

The challenge behind all of this today...I guess it's just to really think back about what your Christmas trees of the past have brought to your life...what the ornaments mean to you on your tree...surely you have a favorite one or two...and if you don't...if you don't have some from the old days or your family while growing up and just go out and buy new commercial ones...start your own tradition...go out and look for ones that remind you of things of your childhood past...even if its an ornament that you always wanted and never got...even if it is a little costly...go ahead and splurge...treat yourself...make your tree of today a nice one...one that is full of memories...one that can be passed down to others...I give out Christmas tree ornaments as gifts every year to people I love...and it makes me feel good inside to do so...some I get at thrift shops...some I get at stores...but I give them with love...and in hopes that when they hang on my friends and families trees that they may just see it and think of what we mean to each other...and how Christs love is hanging around that tree...I thank you for stopping by today...and I hope that you have lots of love in your life today...and I hope that you have the love of Christ in abundance in your heart and life...take care and I hope to see you again soon!